Protected: WHY is life so unbearable?

•May 5, 2009 • Enter your password to view comments.

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•May 4, 2009 • 1 Comment

I don’t like the commercial aspect of pride events. I won’t have the sexual identities of myself or my friends commodified or spaces intended to provide safety, recognition, and celebration for the marginalized preyed upon for the purposes of the system. I don’t like it when the Q is left out of LGBT… I’m not lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, and if I’m trans, I’m queer too. Do you intentionally exclude me?

? ? ?

•March 28, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Not knowing,

the unknown,

greyspace,

words I use a lot.

I’m frustrated,

with the words

limited

constraining

the walls are moving,

in.

freeing,

always,

to admit

such things.

center?

•March 28, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Certain people are my center. Yes. Dependable, yes. I can rely on them, without demanding of them. They need only be themselves. Ahah! Moment of clarity. I’ve been here before. Even a site of problems can be a center. I need to ask myself what I value, and remember that. Center. Problems best dealt with at their own pace. Stay involved, engaged, but without abandoning your own pace, without leaving your own path. Synergy is possible, beautiful, can’t be forced.

My values are my center. Passion for change is unabating.

Anything else?

Trees and poetry are my homes.

Time for change!!

•March 28, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Ok. Somethings are abundantly clear, to me. (And not necessarily to others. duh.) The question is what do we want to keep and what do we want to give up, change, replace, etc…

Instructions:

1) spit out…everything

2) locate center (there’s more than one really)

3) keep what you want, acknowledge it, claim it

4) grow from center: feel free to explore with your reestablished sense of safety

kudos!

Dear Reader…

•March 28, 2009 • 1 Comment

I know you don’t exist, but neither do I, so no worries. As you can see, I’ve posted on my blog for the first time in…ages? Complete disconnect between my experiences since last posting, and my ability, willingness, relationship to writing. I’m hoping and needing that to change now. Here’s something I can fix.

Words from the small one…

•March 28, 2009 • Leave a Comment

A tiny person looks within, and out, and in again, and across the divide, desperate for answers:

Let’s talk about the confusing spaces I find myself in.

We don’t know who “I” is,

iconoclastic, being,

the mind that sings,

some songs are grim creatures.

Let’s talk about priorities, selflessness, self-need, demands and requests, fairness, … and even my inability to write this blog post right now. The words don’t come easy and I fear the intended meaning dies before reaching the digital page. I’ve been asked to write a letter, what for, I know and don’t know, can’t articulate that understanding, let alone be sure it’s correct.

Poetry and trees. They were once my home. Now I have none. I don’t climb trees because I’m not alone. I share space and I decenter myself. Love is a great fuel, but it can’t be a center. Not when it consumes. Not when you can’t step away and just feel it. I can’t be chained to process anymore. I want out.

-> I make the mistake of opening prison gates,

not so I can be let out,

but so I can enter—that claustrophobic world.

I didn’t anticipate the problems to not be my own. I have those but I thought I knew better. I’m not equipped to mix the two. Not without fighting. It’s not a big deal…but what do I do when it is? That wasn’t my choice. Still isn’t. I only have control over myself. Growth in others can come from many places, but it can’t be forced. I can’t force it.

Cryptic.

Why do I feel so wrong? How can things go so wrong? I fight myself, complicit in the crime(s) of wrongness, feeling like wrongness itself, but is it true? How absurd to state the obvious (I create pain in the world), when that’s one of two fundamental reasons for wanting to leave…the world.